Me Vs... Mental Health

This is something that's always been an issue for me.  There's so much stigma attached to mental health issues & the amount of times I've had 'oh, she's mental' said to or about me is impossible to count & so called friends always bring up my mental health or crazy behaviour as an insult in arguements because they know it's the one thing that'll hurt me.  I think people seriously need to think about what they're saying when they throw around comments like this.  For my entire life I've always felt 'different' to everyone else, I think & act differently, I'm a lot more obsessive & emotional, I struggle a lot more with friendships (see previous post) & day to day activities & interactions than your average person would.  Simple things like phoning to make an appointment or walking into a shop myself are difficult & people never understand this & force me to do such things anyway without realising how big a deal it is for me.  Anyway, I've been to see numerous psychiatrists, psychologists &doctors & been pushed from pillar to post being told everything from I'm making it up/exaggerating it to I 'have a bit of everything' without any real answers.  I found out last year I have aspergers (form of autism which at least gave me some closure that it wasn't all in my head but didn't make it any easier to deal with, obviously for something like that there is no cure, it's frustrating because people don't understand it & as a result of that I feel depressed & upset most of the time.  I also have severe self confidence issues about my personality & the way I look.  I always feel inferior to everyone else in looks & attitude & I have a permanent complex about not being 'normal' or good enough for people to want to associate with.  People tend to get to know me then run a mile after I drunk message them a few times, act inappropriately, get upset & dramatic or just generally go off on one & this makes me feel even worse so it's a total catch 22.  I wish people would understand that I don't intentionally act like an idiot to annoy people, it's something I genuinely can't change or help, it's part of who I am & I guess this links on to my previous post to some extent in that it's taken me a while to figure out the people who genuinely accept me, even then I still question it.  The point of this post is that I want people to take a step back & put themselves in my position where I'm constantly struggling to live an average life & coming up against barriers.  I'm my own worst enemy & I have to live with myself.  People need to remember that none of them are perfect & that they all have their moments, maybe not as extremely or as frequently as me but it happens.  So the next time, before you label someone 'mental' or judge or avoid them, think about what's going on in their head & how that's going to affect them.

Me Vs... Friendships

I'm not doing these in any particular order however the past few days have made this a subject that I wanted to cover fairly early on so figured just now is as good a time as any.

I don't really know how to word this or in what order so bear with me here.

What is friendship really?  I've often wondered this to myself.  Trust is something I struggle with (ironic as I often open up to people I shouldn't about things that don't need to be discussed) in the sense that I've never really been sure who I can 'fall back' on so to speak.  I mean, plenty people are 'friends' but how many of them are actually there when things go down the pan?  I find that I tend to be a lot of people's crisis point, when their lives are going badly & they need someone to talk to/sleep with/fags/money/general favours I'm alright to talk to but then they fix themselves up & are off again until the next time they need something.  I've had bad experiences of this all my life, when I was younger I never had real friends, just people who used me & I let them, I tried to buy people & I guess I still do to an extent because, truth be told, I don't feel I'm worthy of people around me & I think a lot of people feel sorry for me since I'm a complete basket case.  Therefore it makes it diffcult for me to accept &/or believe that people are ever really there for me because they want to be.  I get very attached to people to the point where I feel like I need them to exist & be happy but it's never mutual & it's extremely difficult so I take people going in & out of my life a lot harder than I should do.  The reason I wanted to post this is because I've had a rough few days & I've once again found myself in a situation where I've caused myself a lot of grief & feel like I'm back to square one.  I've realised that although I've been to blame at times, I don't necessarily deserve a lot of the treatment I get from people that I've been there for & supportive of & that all of this should work both ways.  It's made me re evaluate who's really important in my life & who isn't (I often go through these over thinking phrases, if you know me then you'll know that).  I felt like I'd lost everything but last night I decided to go out & cheer myself up.  I went to the Dreadnought & caught up with so many old friends, it sounds cheesy but it was really over whelming to have so many people compliment me both on looks & me as a person, ask how I was & just generally make the effort to be decent to me, despite the fact I hadn't been around in months & it made me see that people like I was surrounded with last night are the kind of people that I want to be surrounded with all my life.  I've over shadowed & neglected a lot of them for other people who haven't been in my life nearly as long or been nearly as dependable as they have & I regret that.  I'll always do it to an extent but it's not intentional & I feel I need to show the people in my life that matter how much it's appreciated.  Not just the people who were out last night, the handful of friends I do have that always make an effort to mail or speak to me, check up on me, support me, listen to me & not judge me for my mistakes.  I'll always struggle to accept myself & I'll always have times where I feel completely unworthy & on my own but I know people will always be there to reassure me & that's what's important in life really.  I'm struggling to accept that the routine I've been in for the past few months has been completely wiped out & I need to adjust to my previous lifestyle but I think it'll be good for me in the long run.  So yes, I still feel upset as I write this but at the same time, after last night, I feel more positive that there is always a way forward from any bad situation & that actually I'm not the devil & I'm not as hated & judged by people as I usually tell myself I am. 

Me vs... The Introduction

So I set this blog up ages ago (hence the outdated photo & profile blurb that I can't be bothered updating right now) & forgot all about it until I decided to blog again & discovered it, so I've deleted the old posts. 

I'm now 23 & still as messed up as ever so the new purpose of this blog will be to give people an insight into me & the struggles I face on a daily basis, inspired by the fact that a lot of people are quick to judge &/or write me off without trying to understand where I'm coming from, I'll try to keep it as light-hearted as possible while still getting my point across, thanks in advance for reading! :)