I'm not doing these in any particular order however the past few days have made this a subject that I wanted to cover fairly early on so figured just now is as good a time as any.
I don't really know how to word this or in what order so bear with me here.
What is friendship really? I've often wondered this to myself. Trust is something I struggle with (ironic as I often open up to people I shouldn't about things that don't need to be discussed) in the sense that I've never really been sure who I can 'fall back' on so to speak. I mean, plenty people are 'friends' but how many of them are actually there when things go down the pan? I find that I tend to be a lot of people's crisis point, when their lives are going badly & they need someone to talk to/sleep with/fags/money/general favours I'm alright to talk to but then they fix themselves up & are off again until the next time they need something. I've had bad experiences of this all my life, when I was younger I never had real friends, just people who used me & I let them, I tried to buy people & I guess I still do to an extent because, truth be told, I don't feel I'm worthy of people around me & I think a lot of people feel sorry for me since I'm a complete basket case. Therefore it makes it diffcult for me to accept &/or believe that people are ever really there for me because they want to be. I get very attached to people to the point where I feel like I need them to exist & be happy but it's never mutual & it's extremely difficult so I take people going in & out of my life a lot harder than I should do. The reason I wanted to post this is because I've had a rough few days & I've once again found myself in a situation where I've caused myself a lot of grief & feel like I'm back to square one. I've realised that although I've been to blame at times, I don't necessarily deserve a lot of the treatment I get from people that I've been there for & supportive of & that all of this should work both ways. It's made me re evaluate who's really important in my life & who isn't (I often go through these over thinking phrases, if you know me then you'll know that). I felt like I'd lost everything but last night I decided to go out & cheer myself up. I went to the Dreadnought & caught up with so many old friends, it sounds cheesy but it was really over whelming to have so many people compliment me both on looks & me as a person, ask how I was & just generally make the effort to be decent to me, despite the fact I hadn't been around in months & it made me see that people like I was surrounded with last night are the kind of people that I want to be surrounded with all my life. I've over shadowed & neglected a lot of them for other people who haven't been in my life nearly as long or been nearly as dependable as they have & I regret that. I'll always do it to an extent but it's not intentional & I feel I need to show the people in my life that matter how much it's appreciated. Not just the people who were out last night, the handful of friends I do have that always make an effort to mail or speak to me, check up on me, support me, listen to me & not judge me for my mistakes. I'll always struggle to accept myself & I'll always have times where I feel completely unworthy & on my own but I know people will always be there to reassure me & that's what's important in life really. I'm struggling to accept that the routine I've been in for the past few months has been completely wiped out & I need to adjust to my previous lifestyle but I think it'll be good for me in the long run. So yes, I still feel upset as I write this but at the same time, after last night, I feel more positive that there is always a way forward from any bad situation & that actually I'm not the devil & I'm not as hated & judged by people as I usually tell myself I am.
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